Jesus Jokes and Pictures
Multiple Contributors [Updated April 23rd, 2006]
WARNING: Some People May Find This Section of The Liberator to be Offensive! Read the disclaimer carefully.
Disclaimer: 1) If you are sensitive to humor related to religion, then this site isn't for you. 2) If the thought of joining a religious study group is a grand idea to you, then this site isn't for you. 3) If you find Jesus, Moses, and all other mythical characters from Jewish mythology to be off limits to jokes, ridicule, and puns, then this site isn't for you. 4) If #1-3 apply to you, then you should click here to find something more fitting for yourself and/or leave this site immediately. You have been warned. 5) However, if you are mature enough to embrace the absurdity of life, look squarely in it's face, and laugh at it, then this site is for you. And what the heck took you so long to find it? Read on; it appears that you are ready, willing, and able to accept controversial humor.
Directions: Scroll Down for the Jesus Jokes
When someone creates a work that is thoughtful, interesting, and/or imaginative, such a work should not go unnoticed. Recognizing it and bringing it to the attention of others is equally valuable. However, there sometimes comes a work that is extraordinarily noteworthy. Normal Bob Smith's cartoon, called Satan's Salvation, is one such work. Actually, it is a complete body of work, because it is a series of cartoons that cover a surprisingly fascinating topic: Christianity. If the reader is able to wave off a few of the less high brow sections, the two-hundred page cartoon (with six panels per page!) will reveal a very interesting ending.
Title Description Thumbnail View Button
Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.
He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.
He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.
Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"
"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."
"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."
"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.
"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.
[Obtained from Usenet's alt.tasteless.humor, posted by Mr Funny Bone]
Why did Jesus cross the road?
Because he was nailed to the chicken!
Why didn't Jesus replace the stone from the tomb when he rose from the dead?
Well, he was born in a barn.
[Thanks for the last two jokes Cliff]
What did Jesus say as he was being crucified?
What did Jesus say when he was up on the cross?
"This was one Hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation."
Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."
Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.
Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.
But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.
When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."
What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?
You only need one nail to hold up a picture.
Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the inkeeper three nails and asks...
"Can you put me up for the night?"
Why can't Jesus play football?
He wears illegal headgear.
[Thanks for all of the rugby jokes Jeff Dietrich]
Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?
They keep falling through his hands.
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