Jesus Jokes and Pictures
Multiple Contributors [Updated April 23rd, 2006]

WARNING: Some People May Find This Section of The Liberator to be Offensive! Read the disclaimer carefully.
Disclaimer: 1) If you are sensitive to humor related to religion, then this site isn't for you. 2) If the thought of joining a religious study group is a grand idea to you, then this site isn't for you. 3) If you find Jesus, Moses, and all other mythical characters from Jewish mythology to be off limits to jokes, ridicule, and puns, then this site isn't for you. 4) If #1-3 apply to you, then you should click here to find something more fitting for yourself and/or leave this site immediately. You have been warned. 5) However, if you are mature enough to embrace the absurdity of life, look squarely in it's face, and laugh at it, then this site is for you. And what the heck took you so long to find it? Read on; it appears that you are ready, willing, and able to accept controversial humor.

Directions: Scroll Down for the Jesus Jokes

Cartoon from 'Normal Bob Smith'
Cartoon Montage
When someone creates a work that is thoughtful, interesting, and/or imaginative, such a work should not go unnoticed. Recognizing it and bringing it to the attention of others is equally valuable. However, there sometimes comes a work that is extraordinarily noteworthy. Normal Bob Smith's cartoon, called Satan's Salvation, is one such work. Actually, it is a complete body of work, because it is a series of cartoons that cover a surprisingly fascinating topic: Christianity. If the reader is able to wave off a few of the less high brow sections, the two-hundred page cartoon (with six panels per page!) will reveal a very interesting ending.

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Image Gallery
TitleDescriptionThumbnailView Button
"Crown of Thorns"There were Roman soldiers who had a desire to exact punishment using irony; however, they didn't always get it quite right. Jesus had to instruct a few slow Romans on where to properly position the all familiar crown-o-thorns.
"Jamaican Jesus"There is a little known fact that Jesus was sent to Jamaica. Jesus pretty much endured the same poor treatment, but sported a cool tan. Otherwise it was the same ol' story. "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt." The Jamaican Jesus initiated reperations shortly thereafter.
"Jesus For President"It would seem that politics is indeed a victim of religious influence. How we are going to acheive a seperation of church and state under these conditions is anyone's guess.
"Jesus and Heart Transplants"A joint effort between theologians and modern cardiac specialists discover that Jesus had ideas for open heart surgury, which indicates God was in favor of progressive medicine. This may disappoint some Jehovah Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventists who believe otherwise.
"Jesus in the Astral Plane"Shirley MacLaine's story was not entirely incorrect. How the heck do you think Jesus commuted to Heaven, a freakin' staircase? Shirley MacLaine recently conveyed that Jesus has taken to a strange click of friends, namely Moe, leader of The Three Stooges, Douglas Adams, author of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Abe Vigoda, actor from Barney Miller [yep, Fish has been dead for years but hasn't come to terms with it yet], and Marilyn Monroe, actress in the 1950's film Right Cross [yes, she was in it, but was uncredited]. Ahh... imagine the conversations.
"Jesus Spies on Pagan Gods"Jesus had a lot of duties to fulfill. He once made a trip to Mount Olympus to spy on Greek gods. Jesus tied up Ares and hid in his suit of armor (see upper left-side of religious image). From there he recorded critical notes and finally reported to Heaven's CEO.
"Jesus Microchips"You may be a little devil with your computer, but don't blame the computer. Nowadays, there's a piece of Jesus in every box, kinda' like eucharist, but non-edible.
"Jesus Approves"View a never before seen rendition of the crucifixion. We can see Jesus as he gives his approval of the religious humor that was to inevitably hit The Liberator, some two thousand years after his death. Now that's a man with foresight.
"Heartburn"Jesus had a penchant for spicy foods. C'mon, he was a Jew in what's now the Middle East. Imagine the herbs! Sadly, he often suffered from heartburn. How did he spell relief? "P-U-N-C-H J-U-D-A-S I-N T-H-E N-E-C-K"
"Jesus War Poster"The Catholic Church has suffered from many problems. In an attempt to regain popularity among the youth, leaders came up with this poster. He'll scare the crap out of evil, that's for sure.
"Jesus Was the King"Did you ever wonder why Elvis keeps making appearances all over the place? Well, the second coming of Christ has happened, over and over and over again, but as Elvis. Hint to Jesus: try a different form because the Elvis thing isn't working.

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.

He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.

He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.

[Obtained from Usenet's alt.tasteless.humor, posted by Mr Funny Bone]

Why did Jesus cross the road?

Because he was nailed to the chicken!

Why didn't Jesus replace the stone from the tomb when he rose from the dead?

Well, he was born in a barn.

[Thanks for the last two jokes Cliff]

What did Jesus say as he was being crucified?


What did Jesus say when he was up on the cross?

"This was one Hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation."

[Thanks Bob]

Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."

Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.

Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.

But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.

When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."

[Thanks Stump]

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?

You only need one nail to hold up a picture.

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the inkeeper three nails and asks...

"Can you put me up for the night?"

[Thanks Chastity]

Why can't Jesus play football?

He wears illegal headgear.

[Thanks for all of the rugby jokes Jeff Dietrich]

Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?

They keep falling through his hands.

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